10:47am - coffee 3/4 finished, emails checked and crisis’ averted.

Monday Morning, its 35 degrees - always hot on the days we have to sit in an office hey?

Weekend was great, aside from the fact that I couldnt get tomorrow (Funeral) out of the back of my mind all weekend - awful to say, but I will be relieved and glad when tomorrow is over so that I can stop feeling extremely nervous and be able to move on knowing she is finally at peace.  Finally decided 100% NOT to go to the viewing tonight.  Am going to be normal, just do what I always do on a Monday, go to BW’s house, and come home in the morning - I think if I stay home Ill end up going bananas - wont be able to sleep.  Not sure why I am so nervous, perhaps because Ive never been to a funeral of someone who is immediate family. eek.  Hopefully my next post will be less tense because I wont have this floating in the back of my mind….. I do have my outfit organised, I know its not exciting to be able to plan a Funeral outfit, but for someone like my Nan who even when she couldnt dress herself - she always dressed sharply, she always accessorised.   I am wearing  a black and cream knee length dress, its got sequins under the bust - its flowy and swirly… its cute - and a little bolero, if I feel daring I might wear High Heels…but we will have to see about that! Probably just end up wearing dressy thongs with jewels on them, if its going to be hot. In her memory will wear the gold estate necklace - I said I was going to wear it the day after she died, but its so fucking expensive I just couldnt bring myself to wear it to work.  Im so terrified of losing it.

Friday Night BW and I decided to go out for a quiet dinner (on me) - Country Club is always our first choice as its sort of classy but still pub meal style, got there - closed for a wedding reception.  Drove to Sophia’s instead - was chatting all the way about my Nan (Getting it off my chest) - all of a sudden started crying mid-drive…BW didnt say anything, he knew if he did Id be bawling and my tears would cloud my vision of the road, parked the car in parking lot and just broke down… he made me laugh trying to find something in my car to wipe my eyes with - we found auto wipes, and travellers wipes, he made me laugh by saying “You look like you have been punched in the eye” - Good old BW, always a gent.  We ended up having a beer, some shitty chips and a crappy pizza.  Not my ideal way to spend $45. Went home and watched a rather boring movie and sleep at 10pm.

Saturday caught Bride Wars at the movies - was great, loved it.  Took myself off for a spot of shopping afterwards…Brought the two Mile High DVD series, 2 cardis, some earrings and the cutest little Roxy Jumper - one you can wear with Jeans and thongs without looking like a hobo. Decided to call it quits after the $80 purchase in the surf shop and went home - lost a hair extension in the shopping centre somewhere, woops!  Finally got an appointment for next Saturday to get the extensions fixed - woo hoo.

BBQ at my cousins was ace fun, was a shame when everyone wanted to go home when I was only getting revved up, but went home…. cracked a beer and went out side (12pm) and sat in the garden smoking - was rather nice, at peace with my thoughts and shit, although I did catch myself talking to myself as if I were having a conversation, think it was the mass consumption of beer.  Think I am officially smoking again now - well, not as many but I havent worn a patch in 4 days. Find myself wanting to go out at night, sit and look up at the sky - sounds ultra corny but I pick the brightest star in the sky and sometimes think its my Nan up there letting  me know she is okay…for the last 3 nights the star has been in the same spot, brighter each night.  It might just all be in my head - but its a nice thought I guess.

I was thinking last night - How the hell does everyone know that Heaven is this awesome place where you go to be young again and celebrate with your other passed on members of family and friends.. like who came back from the dead to tell us that is what happens?  Who knows, does your soul really go up into the sky while your body rots in the ground or is burnt in a fire? Does it?  Id like to know, but I guess Im just not all that ready to find out just yet.  It makes me uneasy not knowing.  God - I wish I could stop typing about this stuff, but my fingers wont let me.

Sunday we went Ute shopping, for BW’s new car - we found a few, although I feel like Im doing all the work, just a gentle nudge forcing him to hurry along the process so he can have a nice new car and not always want to take mine because his is a pile of crap! He found 2 he likes, although both a few K over his price approval, however - he has just found he can get more and extend it to 5 years instead of 4.  It does worry me though with a $30K loan, even if we save up a deposit for a house and move out - how is he going to be able to afford mortgage repayments and general living expenses if he is paying $600 a month off a car, I suppose it is do-able, Im just worrying… he doesnt have a shopping passion like me, so we should be fine.

Was meant to go to dinner with the girls last night - got cancelled.  Funny, because I knew one of them was going to cancel - had it narrowed down to 2, and surprisingly enough she came through with the goods, my other friend called - she was wild… the cancelled friend used the overdue assignment excuse - which shes been using since highschool.  We were annoyed because if its overdue then you’d have known about it for quite some time, or… when she cancelled it was only 2pm so she could have worked on it for a few hours and used dinner as a break.  Anyway, I wasnt too concerned about it - we will just arrange it for another time I guess, we ended up cancelling the whole thing as it wasnt fair for the remaining peeps to drive that far (not so far for me) - so we will try take 2.

I have my meeting with my boss today about my future here, not in a bad way - shes going to ask if I want to stay doing what Im doing, or whether I want to do the Bookkeeping role, to which I am going to say YES PLEASE MAM! I have been here for 16 months, and this role is good fun but its also slightly repedative, and if I dont take this role who knows how long Id be sitting here waiting for the next one.  I imagine the changeover will be quite messy - there is ALOT to handover here because its such a full on role - and then Id have to do that and learn a whole new one, oh well - least I would get my own office… meeting doesnt have a time, just waiting for my boss to say “Lets go get a coffee” - Im guess it will be after lunch now. grr.

A car dealer just rang me - Id forgotten Id put my phone number down when doing a few quick enquiries for BW yesterday - you have to put in your details to get the details of the dealership. The guy was way nice, I ended up just giving him BW’s phone number - I just said to the guy “I dont know why Im doing all of this for…bugger it, call him” - he just rang, he is taking old car down there at 1pm to be valued - they have a finance guy down there aswell, so if he really loves it - he could have it all financed on the spot and sorted out today.  He reckons he will get $3k for his car, Im doubtful - its a hot car, but theres a few dents and alot of work about $6k worth of work needing to be done, the guy says they put it on the hoist and check it ALL out - BW reckons he was gonna be able to get away without them finding out about all the work that needs done, LOL - good on you BW, I dont think so!   So, anyway - who knows, at the end of the day we could be adding a new car to the family. aww.

Should go… if Im to be promoted I should be showing good initiative by not updating my blog during work hours! ha